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| The person I was....the happy one who was laid back and liked to go out all the time, spontaneous and confident. You know the one who pissed other girls off walking into a room even though I am nice if you bother getting to know me and not just hate someone because of insecurities. The one who was mysterious and kept her thoughts to herself. The one who would show up and disappear. The one who would start to drive to one thing she got invited to then change her mind on the way and go to somewhere else. The one who hardly ever cried because she was too proud to let things show. The one who is always up to whatever and wants to see the world again. The one who liked to dress up in whatever looked good and still look fashionable even if it was grandma's old coat, a diy reconstructed $2 target tee or whatever.
All I'm saying is I'm back. I am not hiding anymore I'm taking off my mourning clothes kind of and starting to realize that I am probably disappointing the ones I loved who probably would shake their heads and tell me I'm being stupid. Idk you know Slaughterhouse 5 is a great book really. Without pain there isn't life and you can't appreciate life without death. You shouldn't have survivors guilt which I do in a weird way like you know they were worth more to the world not me like I'd take one of their places you know if I could. But if you try to avoid anything that will hurt and avoid places that will leave you feeling nostalgia in a bad sort of sad way you stop living. Because being reclusive like I've been dead in a weird way. Like I feel like I've been punishing myself for two regrets I'm sure I'm absolved of like I think they know that I would have changed my two regrets. Kind of weird ones maybe. I can't explain it. I should have never got mad over a little thing let alone almost burn a bridge over it. I know she was the one who felt guilty, but really I had already forgave her and I wish she had known that before it happened. Not only that I wish she knew how sorry I was for it too. I already had felt guilty over being mad and we would be close and then I feel like I'd push her away because I didn't ever want to be that vulnerable and close to a person again. But I miss that connection. I'll never have a friendship that compares and it makes me feel lonely thinking of it. I also wish I just I don't know you realize how much someone or some people loved you and you never thought it was as much as you later realize and you also realize how much more you loved someone than pretty much anyone. And you are constantly wishing you could change the past told yourself not to be stupid. Told yourself that it wasn't fear of being left out it was jealousy you were feeling over a girlfriend. Yea. Retrospect just sucks when it comes to some things.
But I don't want to be an "Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt" type of person. Anytime anything really bad happens or I feel really bad emotional pain thats the first thing that pops in my head. Why? I guess because the only people who can feel that way are the people who aren't actually alive. They might breathe but they are dead to what life is about just for protection. So I guess for whatever reason it just randomly pops in my head everytime I'm really upset, and it is a nice reminder that pain is necessary. You can't appreciate one thing without its negative opposite you know?
So yea it hurts to hang out with people thats why I hardly do. I want to but I hate the emptiness I am left with. I just you know it's never going to be the same again. And yea I will probably never find anyone to compare, but I still need to be with people and have friends and hang out. I just need to stop expecting like something to magically appear or feel right again. It can't ever feel right until I stop comparing it to the past. Like I guess before I wanted to believe I was somehow getting better but really I was getting worse. Now, I have had this epiphany and I guess something that I'd feared over happened and I realized nothing will ever hurt again as much as their deaths hurt me. Yes, I can have things I dread to happen and then I realize it doesn't compare actually to that pain and really it suddenly kind of stops hurting. Weird right?
So hmmm although something bad happened somehow it made me realize I miss being myself again so yea I just feel better now that's all. I am laid back too. I don't I just know I am tired of trying to prevent or worry about something I have no control over and I am also tired of not being myself or living my life. | | |
| a final note....
As of just getting out of the shower with my boyfriend I have to say this. I really do love him. After awhile around him and praying for my thoughts to disappear, I am completely happy around him. This keeps happening lately. I trust him again and tell myself that he can explain and that we will get through this and it is like my trust just reforms right away and complete love. Some of it is me being more myself again. It isn't quite that catastrophic because I am relying more on my inner self and everything for happiness and confidence then him or anyone for that matter just like I used to. I want to be together....The lingering question I do have is that random phone number that texted him about can't wait to hang out and have sex was it really Katie or an excuse....because I was surprised he told me about it or explained it and it seemed kind of forced or just too random and his laughing to be just that but I just took his word it was katie and was like oh okay ha thats sad she has to mass text people......So what if that was someone from that site it all makes sense now....hmm well either way hopefully we'll see what happens and if we can just work through this because he makes me happy.....I do want to to spend the rest of my life with him but do not want to rush it or pressure it at all now....I want him to be happy....I am concerned with that. If it means me sacrificing I will....if it means being alone then well I love him and I want him to do what makes him happy. That doesn't mean I am like oh yea cheat on me so you can be happy. Not at all....hmm maybe we should do that couple switching sex like uhm that movie we watched haha.....that would be awkward. Plus I am a girl who believes in monogamy completely. I do want to experiment with our sex life and I have been wanting to and fantasizing about things we havent done.....I now feel better about talking about it to him since he was so I guess just not listening maybe when I talked to him or maybe I wasnt direct enough so I've felt he doesnt enjoy new things. I do. I have been longing to.....like looking up stuff that would be fun and bookmarking it for months ideas and everything....positions....waiting for the conversation and right time to be like lets change stuff up and find even more stuff to enjoy that feels good....I also have been wanting to and trying to do more stuff together even before seeing this site. And I was planning on cooking him food every night or maybe day depending on how his schedule is with 3 jobs. I am so proud of him and always bragging about him and how he has the best work ethic and character ever because I believe it. I want to have adventures together because I'm like starved for it because its like I woke up from some deep sleep or I guess dead place I was in and needing all the things I had again....weird right? I am just happy and feel like this time I change and it will be a wiser but still the old me who didn't change for anyone or care what anyone thought but herself.....yea....I'm happy. I hope we can work things out and I hope he is happy and I don't smother him or hold him back or anything because love is something you can't clutch to you or it tries to free itself and you can't hold it to loosely or it disappears.
Or they can get online at 4pm on "today is your special day."
yea
My heart is constantly flip flopping in a bad way...and I'm so confused and well where do we go from here....how Do I believe him anymore....or why even.....and I don't even want or bother to think about it because I won't chase myself away again or lose my self confidence/esteem. I love him but maybe I don't make him happy. He makes me happy....well not this.....I would be in heaven of happiness of it wasnt for this.......That's why I'm confused when I'm busy I manage to forget about it around him I push it out of my head and enjoy being with him because I don't know what will happen or what he is planning or wanting or doing so we might not have longer together really because I guess being on a site like that tells me something is wrong. At least he can take the feelings that Nikki and Brittany made him feel and amplify it 100 times more since he is my first love and I lost my virginity to him.......yea well whatever....it is like seeing an abyss and turning my back to it refusing to see it....i don't know....i don't think he has done anything yet but how can i trust him and well i can when we are together or i'm busy but when alone I fall apart again.....I spent like 3 hours of my birthday crying while he was asleep thats why I didnt wake him up. And I'm ashamed of the tears another clue I'm back to myself. I want to literally bitch myself out for crying. Its retarded. And I dont want people or him to think I am putting on a show or making him feel bad because I am not. I lie through my teeth about my tears.....why? I guess because I'd have to explain them to him and I cant Im afraid he'll lie to me and I'll just accept it. I want something wrote out and thought about and he doesnt even have to. I just want him to know I know and I am doing nothing about it. So I guess I'll go lay down now. Had fun talking to heather on the phone like for 2 hours like in the old days....And I can hopefully sleep now that I wrote stuff down some more.
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| So that entry before is a joke to me now....why I would ever feel threatened Nikki...ha....yea. I mean things were so great anyways and I should have never went along to her house to get feeling left out. I should have gone out with my own friends like the old days and had fun. See, I have this gnawing knowledge chewing away at me it's like a fear constantly there you keep pushing back away and back away and back away....but then you realize denial is not good and since nothing has happened yet it is time to do a major U-turn 180 and reflect.
It started with planning a birthday present. I had thought about a ring, actually matching rings, really expensive ones in the metal and style he likes....but I knew he just got the Talon and so I started wondering how I could hint around about it or get knowledge about it without him figuring out why. That's one reason I've been so interested in cars lately and wanting to watch him work on it and help him because I want more knowledge. Plus I thought it would be sexy to get covered in grease and grime with my boyfriend, getting dirty ha literally under a car. I think figuratively getting "dirty" might end up hurting or injuring us while under a vehicle. That's one reason why I love the idea of going to car meets with him especially as it gets warmer. Besides all the guys there who look and I just love having my boyfriend put his arms around me and thinking it gives him some pride or jealousy from those guys or just a feeling of happiness....When he holds me in public puts his hand down my back pocket I kind of radiate with that happy feeling I guess you only really know about if you love someone.
Sooooo.....I tried to remember the forum that was mostly about the car he has. But I couldn't remember the name and suck at google apparently when it comes to car forums. So I got on his laptop and hoped he put it under favorites which is bookmarks but on that engine web thing. I used to use it. So yea something else caught my eye called AshleyMadison.com. I should have just left and went back to my computer and went back to finding an idea for an amazing birthday present. Instead curiousity because I really didnt think it was anything important I figured it was a car site and was curious. Yea it wasn't.....It was a committed but want to have an affair site. Wow, it was kind of a shock but I figured it could be accidentally there. Not when I put the cursor in the login and a name came up. Since I wasn't about to sit there and try to figure out a password for hours when none would ever fit. (I don't get how anyone could ever figure one out.) I decided to make my own profile and find his. I was curious maybe he wasnt actually on there and a friend used it. Maybe he just bookmarked it or oined it out of curiousity. Or better yet maybe he was worried I was on there and wanted to make sure I wasn't. I had to turn off the im things because they annoyed the shit out of me and well basically made it so no one could contact me. I think all the guys on there are assholes already for being on there.
I found his profile. My heart had been racing since I found that site, but now I felt like it was beating out of my chest like how people describe speed or cocaine or whatever....that fluttering uneven heartbeat. It was like panic was clawing up my chest and I kept trying to breathe. It was bad for me to find it for our relationship, but good for me. i read through what he wanted sex wise and felt kind of annoyed because half of the stuff is stuff I WANT and have WANTED since I lost my virginity to him to experiment with. Actually no way longer than that. I always though role playing would be hot, being dominated, bondage, skinny dipping in someone elses hot tub without them knowing and getting it on, acting out his fantasies even though he won't tell me what they are, being blindfolded or blindfolding, teasing or being teased, being basically raped like i don't animal sex, public or kind of places, a dressing room, a pool, his new car, the beach, all sorts of places....I like new experiences. I guess the only negative thing is that I can't teach him anything new....Society has either degraded so far that being a virgin is considered bad....but based on all the guys who thought that was hot liked me forever even though I didn't reciprocate I'm just guessing my boyfriend apparently would rather do whores ha. Like in the past girls whohave slept with tons....that's cool I guess his dick rotting off not mine well i mean my whatever hooha ha.. Or maybe he just wants something uhm different or wait familiar but different from me again. So I am older but not experienced but I have done more than my friends have ever tried sex wise and yea because I am friends with almost all guys so I know what they talk about, want, think is amazing, etc....and I like trying new things....but apparently my boyfriend thinks I'm vanilla sex or something. I mean lately I have been bored with the same positions want to try new ones don't know how to be like hey I'm bored....I think I am amazing with my mouth and ust in general in bed and tell all my guy friends it all the time mostly as a hahahaha bitch thing but because we always talked casually about stuff like that and now i finally can say you know boys stop waiting ffor me to break up with my boyfriend because when that happens I'll make you pay me for how great I am...haha....not really though because ewwww there are only two guy friends I would even think about it with and that was because I wondered for a long time anyways and no not lucas I'd stick barbed wire up there just to watch himm scream he's an asshole. Never....And I am a one guy girl. I want commitment because I commit but aparently no one knows what commitment is these days????? And I thought he was that way I thought he was the one screwed over in the past and hated cheaters? Or just if they cheat with his friends??? Hmmmm???? But yea there are most of the things I want to play around trying on a page meant for someone else. poosticks
The thing that might have been good for me in all of this bad shit to read was what he wanted or was attracted to. I felt like I was reading about myself 1 year and 6 or so months ago. That was me and all the guys loved me and I didn't care that they did but that was me I was your girl and somehow I've corroded and rusted and eroded since then. It was a wake up call. I realize you can never make someone or a few people your whole life. There are no guarantees of what tomorrow will bring. I need to love myself completely again and feel as confident and happy as I used to. It's not his fault a lot of it is mine I found a place to hide away from everyone and mourn about my friends. I can't mourn anymore it won't bring them back. I'll see them some day I want to live my life though before that happens. I'm tired of feeling like I'm laying in the grave with them trying to hold their hands and talk to them. I want to enjoy life....I want to enjoy our relationship completely and fully if it isn't too late. But if it is and he doesn't want to be with me anymore I want him to let me know not stay with me out of pity or whatever. I want him to be happy and if it isn't with me then since I love him I have to let him do what is best for him. Like my eyes are tearing up even thinking about it but I mean life is like that I can't sit here thinking that everything will be perfect and work out always. I want to work out. But what I really want is to get back to myself and love myself completely and experience life completely again with him or if he really thinks he wants someone else because I don't do affairs then I guess without him. I'm tired of it keeping me up at night.
The funny thing is seeing that kicked my ass in a good way. It made the old me say Excuse Me Who Do You Think You Are to Even Want to Cheat on the Best Thing in Your Life and also Hey Why Have You Pent Me Up and Shut Me Away For So Long. Yea I have I like threw myself away or something. But I'm back pretty much completely. Because I don't want to think about this horrible discovery I have been on the go and trying to get things done and feeling driven lately. I have felt like dressing up completely like I always used to not to impress him but to make myself feel impressed and happy. I like getting snotty looks from girls, praising looks from guys, and letting my boyfriend know exactly what he has. And before this I was already getting back to myself this whole past month and this was like the last part in my boyfriend's terms I needed to run smoothly and the way I used to be if not better and am supposed to be. I am thinking of my future now in terms of how I thought when I was single and unattached because I know it will help me be who I am supposed to be and get back to where and what I was aiming for. I love him with all my heart but I want to love me and be me so he can benefit from loving that happy spontaneous always wanting to do things and adventurous person I was. Lately I have been feeling attractive and pretty and hot and smart and witty and all those things. Even social that's why I got so annoyed lately when my bf doesn't invite me along because I want to come hang out and have fun with him. I'm done getting mad or annoyed or even upset with what he does. I can't control it or what he wants or how he feel or if he loves or who he has loved or anything. I don't want to. My life needs to be put back in order or I guess before it was a lot less in order at least with always random things coming up to do and new people to meet and changing my mind about where I was going as I was driving like I used to. Yea I used to show up somewhere opposite than where I said because every decision is last minute to me and I usually end up going with the opposite one or finding a completely new one to choose.
So yea, even finding this I have had fun with my boyfriend in the past few days. I enjoyed being around him and loved being in his new car because it is different when he drives this from his other car because he loves it and enjoys it so much. So it rubs off on me a lot. I like seeing him happy. Before I found this I was excited about planning him dinners everyday and trying to actually clean and organie the house completely and make it an amazing home. Plus I want him and me to have friends over. The only reason I feel bad lately or for the past uhm while is because I always feel like everything is so messy and I don't want it to be. I want my friens to hang out here. In fact I'd love our house to be the casual hang out. I don't like parties as much because when people are shit faced it is just all actions and not conversation you know or like connections....I love like having a few people at a time and like slow casual drinking not lets get drunk and forget our worries drinking. But I don't mind parties either. Maybe I should start drinking some. And yea I will go out to eat now because the atmosphere is nice and I don't care about food. I think I'm beautiful right now and one night of eating whatever isnt going to like add 5 lbs or even 1 lb. And I dont mind going to the movies although I really love outdoors stuff. I want him to have his garage so theres a place I can hang out with him while he works on his cars and its not like uncomfortable....and plus it would make him reallyyyy happy. I want to do new crazy things with him or just by myself or with friends like hmmm maybe skydiving, definitely hot air balloons, road trips, concerts, California, surfing, wind surfing, boating, I want to learn water skiing, camping, hiking new places, Churchill Downs, all the awesome Derby events I always have loved, working out, rollerblading again, ice skating, art classes, finding time for art, making clothes and finding time for it, learning glass blowing, going to clubs why not, going out on the town, just new experiences in general. Like my life used to be.....when we'd end up somewhere under the stars with our cars and felt so alive. Hill hopping, drive in movies, even kentucky kingdom, haunted houses, hayrides, circuses, fairs, festivals, thunder, all of that.....I can be happy completely well you know that isnt possible but I can go back to being optomistic. I guess I've done it again found the right asskick bad thing to make me evolve again to something better. The whole phoenix to ashes to phoenix....I've been the ashes trying to remember how to rise again as a phoenix for too long. Now I am ready and I won't stop or slow down for any reason and I won't listen to my fears, sadness, anxieties, anger, confusion, or anything else negative for as long as it takes until I think I can safely and objectively view it as a laugh.
I think what hurts a lot is I hoped he had only signed on as a one time thing, but no he signed on 3 days ago from now....so that means he either joined recently or he gets on often??? And he has feedback all stuff I don't and never wanted to know. I keep praying to God for some ideas or help or wisdom or courage or something to know where to go from here. I don't think he has or ever has cheated in fact before with his ex I only felt emotionally cheated on or just unsure of what was going on not an actual physical and emotional tangible threat. I keep praying that he won't ever want to that I'll know how to make him happier and be there more that he realizes how much he loves me and how I wouldn't take that or want it or need it. Does he even know how damaging it is to me and us? I don't know....Part of me wants to run away now run away and forget him. Part of me wants to stay and fight. Now I know I don't want him to propose yet because now I don't know what I'd say....unless marriage is a full and lifetime commitment to the person you're marrying as much as it is to you in your head....then no I won't get married only to have to get divorced or fake some happiness while I constantly watch my back. But deep down I know he loves me or he is an amazing actor and needs to go to Hollywood. So I want to fix things before they fall apart but I think what matters and will help the most is me fixing myself because it would make him happy and most importantly it would make me happy and alive again and fun to be around and just how I was when I thought I attracted guys like bugs to a bug light haha. He fell in love with that person and I remember the things he said to me then and realize I miss her and want to be her again so bad. I'm serious this time. There is a place I have got where I have stopped worrying and just surrendered. I can't focus on him or at least these sort of things or any problems with us because I am not going to allow myself to not go forward on to who I was. I am only focusing on the positive and how I love him and he loves me and we will hopefully someday in the future have a life together. Definitely no hurry anymore but I'm still happy he has a ring I just want it to be for the right person for the right reasons and at the right time and when he is marrying not the mourning dead me but the actual me.
I wanted to figure out what to do but what can you do? Really there is nothing i can do.... trying to do something to stop it feels forced or fake so no let it happen or not happen it isn't my decision or up to me. It isn't what I want or can even stomach to think about. But, I feel like I shouldn't start pulling myself away from him and my heart without it being because I have to....I guess he is free to live his life and me to live mine....affairs and cheating aren't my cup of tea....I have always pushed myself to be kind of the ideal woman in my head....or person. I always figured I should live for myself and tomake myself happy but not hurt other people to get things. So a balance I live as I want but don't hurt others. Plus hurting others hurts me. So yes cheating and affairs are not in my mind something any good person would do. Or any person trying to fulfill their potential and not be like the rest of the sheep in the world who react to how society has devolved in the last few decades or maybe even longer than that. I don't think it's okay ecause others do it or a site says it is okay....that is so like just I don't even know sad to think that the world has gotten to the point that there are sites telling you to cheat and making it possible and easy. But fuck that. I want to be with someone who is trying to be their best too. So if we aren't meant to be than so be it. I'm done thinking this is the end of me thinking. I had to write it out maybe I'll email it to him maybe not....actually yea I probably will just so he knows and he also knows that I would like to know why maybe....hmm or maybe not actually. Just so he knows that I know and it is up to him what he wants to do....if he wants to ruin what we have so be it....or no ruin is kind of harsh....if I'm not what he wants because he can not have me if he has anyone else. I am the type who must be the only romantic/sexual person or I will cease to love or to view that person as anything but a hole in the world and my vision that I don't see anymore like I do to people. I tell myself not to love, like, whatever anymore and I stop. So if he wants to be on this site whatever I don't care anymore I want to fix me and focusing on anything negative right now won't help. This is me throwing my hands in the air and surrendering I no longer am going to think about things that worry me or whatever. I will offer him my love despite all this because I don't think he has done anything wrong I feel more like it is a warning sign, a kind of wake up call that I not only need to stop living my life for anyone but myself but also that not living completely for myself is actually bad for a relationship. I realize that now again like I used to before love clouded my vision. I realize that what makes me happy is living for myself and sharing that person I love as in me with other people especially ones I love....and using my talents to make them happy which in turn makes me happy plus I get to do things I enjoy. I mean I know I fuck up but then again it is something that makes me laugh about myself and I just think it makes for good stories later on. And yea I love me and I have been lately getting my confidence from how I see myself and it's been great....I don't even care what anyone else thinks....I like the snotty looks from girls the appraising looks from guys and my boyfriend to be proud but I don't need it because well as long as I like what I see I don't want to or need to change. ;)
And besides when you know someone else is a good person deep down can you really worry that much? When you really don't think someone has done something wrong yet can you let it affect you like it has? If you blame someone already they might as well commit the crime, but I know deep down he hasn't and I really think he would never want to hurt me....right? And if it has I guess I'd want to know or just be broke up with since cheating is your subconsience telling you to let go or something. Well I don't think it has and I'd love to reverse whatever the reason there would be to be so unhappy with us but I am not worrying about it past this entry....I am going to live for now and enjoy each second because I'm 21 and well I just want to live life again and feel on fire alive completely because of myself not because I need anyone else to make me feel any certain way. You must love yourself before you can properly love others so I won't feel selfish either. But I'm not doing this for anyone but myself at the same time. I have to change my frame of mind back to how I used to think. I've been happy for the past 2 months for the most part and on my way back and nothing is ruining it or stopping it and I am most certainly not ruining it for myself. So basically I just don't think he would....And if I'm wrong I'm wrong and got fooled by love like other people have so c'est la vie.
I know one thing I am never ever getting on his laptop even if it is more convenient or if I want to get him a present or whatever I'll just like ask him next time what do you want so it isnt a surprise....I'll never look at his texts period even out of curiousity even though he can read mine whenever he wants....nope never....I'm done wondering or caring to wonder I'll enjoy the positive parts for now....get the picture of his profile out of my head when he kisses me or tells me he loves me and not feel like there is a snake in my bed....Finding out things makes you wish you hadn't...And is only damaging to your personal self worth....no actualy it helped that....I guess it just killed the side of me that pinned any confidence or self worth or anything like that to him....I've gone back to myself and getting it from myself....because there isn't insurance you can buy on people from tragedies that happen or just well bad decisions.
So that is all and I have learned a lot and I feel happier that I can be myself again for myself to be happy and maybe to help things out but I'm not focused on helping things out because I will not think about why I would need to or telling anyone about it for their advice no never no one can know that even me the supposed perfect girlfriend to all these guys who liked me all this time or before or throughout or during nope no one can know that ever. I won't let them I won't waste tears on it in fact I am learning to not cry again like before crying is so useless.....it's better to ignore. And I'll be healthier for it....and well this is the final push I needed to be me again like I said.
And once again Yes I still love him, yes I still want to be with him, maybe my trust is a little effed up now but whatever, I love him so much that it is unselfish and I know that the ball is in his court and he needs to do what makes him feel happy....so if he doesn't want to be with me feels pressured whatever then he needs to do what will make him happy because an unhappy person in a relationship is only going to make the other person unhappy too eventually when they act out on their unhappiness. I was never unhappy despite what he thinks....yea I wanted to celebrate our 1 year but I'm over it....and now I don't even care if he hangs out with friends all the time without because wow that is so simple and just okay compared to this....of course hopefully I won't wonder from now on when he works late if that is true, if he is really with friends, and what he is doing with them.....but yea okay I can deal with it....I will get my own life hang out withmy own friends and push it out somewhere and throw away the key. My love is unselfish and will most certainly be from now on for my own sake. Because this is mmy definition of love and the person I would say Yes to or marry would have to fit in with all these or as well as possible and it is the Biblical definition of it so yea I'm sure the Bible knows more than modern civilization:
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. The bold is what I know for sure I need to work on and have been trying to. Hopefully the always trusting part will still be there....I mean can I be wary and still be trusting....right? I am done from now on keeping or caring about wrong doings I know I do wrong sometimes although not intentionally....I won't get angry anymore....at all...or just upset....I don't care anymore about the negative parts they are weeds I'm picking from my mind to save myself...and get back to myself....
this is my high standard of love....it is considered high now adays but that is because everyone is so corrupt it is like you can't even trust anymore while you are in love....how sad.
4Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or 5rude. Love isn't selfish or quick tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do. 6Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. 7Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting. 8Love never fails! Everyone who prophesies will stop, and unknown languages will no longer be spoken. All that we know will be forgotten.
http://blog.vilmos.com/2008/03/080316.htm http://rhiinpink.com/blog/?p=744 Its sad a girl doesn't even want to get married now a days because she feels like it won't last or something. I don't know I just remembered why marriage always sounded like a bad idea to me lately. See the thing is I love him and I want to marry him but since I consider the other guys on their scum who I would never touch would want to spit in their face for the awful thing they are doing to their wife, girlfriend, family whatever.....it's like how do I still have my respect and this great image of him in my head like like just everyone knows I think he is amazing, great, can do all sorts of things, the best thing to happen to me, and then I get this and feel like this rust taste in my mouth or something. Like do I apply the oppinion of the other guys to him and if I don't am I a love blinded fool? What now....well at least i'm 21 today and turning over a new leaf and page in the same day...It's symbolic I suppose.... ;0 The only bad thing I'm trying to stop is everytime he touches me or says he loves me lately I feel revulsion like like literally ill to my stomach disgusted revulsion. my eyes start to tear up too which is dumb because I won't cry over stuff like this....I hate loving someone and feeling sick when they touch me sick and wondering when they'll decide they are tired of me so much and want to touch some other people physically and emotionally cheat on me with god knows who....and then come around and touch me again getting other people who are scum germs near me.....never never....god please let him either tell me we're done or whatever or not do this....god I get so sick thinking about it. I mean is this why I thought everything was so perfect the last few months because he has been feeling guilty???? Maybe this has all been an act and I should go scrub my vagina now with steel wool and bleach.....But I believe he loves me and I believe he wouldn't do this to me....and I am happy he has his car and he can play all the WOW he wants.....but maybe that isnt enough anymore....I don't know I really only can focus on myself now and try to get out of this house as much as possible and push myself enough to only have time to think of stuff I need to think about....not stuff that is threatening to destroy every last inch of self esttem and respect I thought was left or still there.....now it is like I'm separate. I love him, but I am not going to try anymore except to have fun with him otherwise I'll try only for myself things for me.....because I am not putting work into something that might collapse over my head. Not at all.....And no pressure to get married now or proposed to.....at all....this isn't what I wanted as happy as him bringing up a ring and marriage made me fel this has made me feel 100 times worse....so yea....he needs to not stress over the marriage thing anymore it is a non issue now and I don't care and I don't want a ring on my finger for people to see only to have something happen and get unengaged nor do I want to divorce....Like Jeffrey said when I told him me and Dustin were talking about getting married, "Life is short why get engaged at 21 you have so much life to live and need more experiences under you?" Uhm well lol I hope he doesn't think he'll be an experience under me because although I know he is at least the faithful type uhm yea I'm not atttracted anymore and I don't cheat or do rebounds or revenge sex because that is beyond immature....and is another reason why love may no longer exist and be dead in our society....no wonder the world is ending....even people who believe in god and jesus consider cheating on their "love" the person they "love" so much. whatever lol....I am now waiting and seeing but not thinking about it just waiting???? Just being me....maybe I'll be so happy being me again nothing else will effect me like it used to......I am rubber you are glue everything you do bounces off me and sticks to you. Yep Exactly..... and what does this mean????
(1)
better in person
FUCK seriously just fuck I hate this yea well what a nice surprise to find somewhat close to your birthday love it love it love it...I'm taking it as a birthday wake up call to become amazing once again and love myself and be ruthless or something. I don't know....yet.
Seriously I am done now.
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| I think I'm going crazy
I'd give my life to brush my cheek against Cory's suit jacket he always wore
I'm not joking
What the fuck? Why if this was going to happen was I left out?
I'm left with people who are leeches and want me when I'm convenient.....
thanks........true friends, right?
ha
Maybe I'll wake up dead sooner rather than later....
at least I could be happy again and loved and not so empty........
Please don’t ask me to show you the real me, I can’t find her
Help me break down the walls I build between me and the world
Leave your hand on my mouth when I say what I don’t mean
Put me to sleep so I can finally live my dream
You shouldn’t believe the lies I can’t stop to tell
Why should I finish this now, what the hell
Is all this aching in my numbing soul about
I don’t want you to leave, I can’t help but let you down
You can’t heal wounds that don’t hurt
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| Sometimes I wish I could follow the advice I give my friends, and listen to the things my heart whispers to me. Instead I follow my lack of guts and my cynical brain urging me to stay quiet so I'll never feel hurt or lost again. What's worst though being afraid to live or being rejected? hmmmmm
I have got to start writing again. I refuse to spend this weekend driving around crying at night with my music and cigarettes because of what I lost 3 months ago. I have to move on even though it feels like betrayel.
This song I think sums up a lot of my problems and the root of them:
First with your hands, then with your mouth
A downpour of sweat, damp cotton clouds
I was a fool, you were my friend
We made it happen
You took off your clothes, left on the light
You stood there so brave, you used to be shy
Each feature improved, each movement refined
And eyes like a showroom
Now they're spreading out the blankets on the beach
That weatherman's a liar, he said it'd be raining
But it's clear and blue as far as I can see
Left by the lamp, right next to the bed
On a cartoon cat pad, she scrached with a pen:
"Everything as it's always been, this never happened
Don't take it too bad, it's nothing you did
Just once something dies, you can't make it live
You're a beautiful boy, you're a sweet little kid
But I am a woman"
So I laid back down, wrapped myself up in the sheets
And I must have looked like a ghost
Because something frightened me
And since then I've been so good at vanishing
Now I do as I please, and I lie through my teeth
Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me
Should probably feel cheap, but I just feel free
And a little bit empty
No, it isn't so hard to get close to me
There'll be no arguments, we'll always agree
And I'll try to be kind when I ask you to leave
We'll both take it easy
If you stay to long inside my memory
I will trap you in a song tied to a melody
And I'll keep you there so that you can't bother me
Pictures (I only have a few because my camera mystically broke and my dad misplaced the memory card to his D2X that had all my awesome Halloween pics on them).
^ That was my costume for the Saturday night before halloween. (I ended up dressing up as 4 different things on different nights.)
Cory's mom had us over on Friday night to share memories about Cory. His room has been repainted yellow, his bunkbed and belongings removed and replaced with some chairs, a couch, and pictures of him. I wish I could walk into my memories and lay in his bed again where I used to write in permanent marker on the wood under his top bunk so he could read it at night. I miss all his guitar posters and trying to walk through a room covered in sheet music, amp cords, guitar cases, guitars, speakers, and clothes. I <3 you Cory
Here is a picture of us on his mom's girls night. | | |
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